Sometimes being a good parent makes me feel like an asshole
July 29, 2007
This evening JP threw a punch at SG. I’m not sure why (Mr. Tonks was with them) nor do I really care. Punching is unacceptable and the punishment is swift. Had it *only* been a punch, he would’ve gotten a time-out, then had to pick a job but he capped everything off by screaming that Mr. Tonks was “a stupid butthead”.
His punishment- in addition to the time-out and the job- was that he was not allowed to go with SG and their friend to get ice cream. He cried a lot of genuine tears and was pleading not to be left out. I felt like a terrible mother even though I knew it was what needed to happen. I felt guilty and cruel. I wanted to give him a second chance but knew better. He made the wrong choice; I had to make the right one.
I know people who base their parenting on what’s easy and makes them feel less guilty. They use empty threats and scoldings in lieu of time-outs and consequences. Their kids aren’t fun to be around. They have no boundaries, few manners and can’t be trusted because they don’t think twice inflicting meanness onto another child. Why should they? It’s not like they’re going to be in any trouble.
I don’t really get permissive parenting. Sure, you feel better, but in the long run no one is benefiting. And, yes, it’s easier to let little kids get away with murder by turning a blind eye, blaming it on a phase (or any number of other excuses) or saying you don’t have the energy to deal but- come one- when you’re a parent you don’t get to be lazy (at least not all the time). Sure, I’ve let my kids get away with stuff because it’s easy/ easier but usually that’s in the mess making department (like when finger painting turns into body painting) or when they’re having fun and nobody is getting hurt or being imposed upon.
I may feel like an asshole but at least my kids aren’t going to grow up to be one…I hope!
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1.
j0lt | July 30, 2007 at 8:04 am
I think my problem is not being a consistent asshole, as it were. I like your idea of a time out PLUS a job. I may adopt that one. My two boys love to mock fight, whch I grudgingly permit (it’s sort of a wrestling thing, encouraged and participated in by mr. jolt, sigh) within limits, but I try to clamp down on the ’surprise’ attacks -all parties must agree to the terms of battle.
2.
tonkelu | July 30, 2007 at 9:18 am
I try to be consistent but sometimes fail- I don’t think it’s possible to be 100%, 100% of the time. I think the key is to be consistent enough so that when you tell your kids, “If X happens, Y is the consequence,” they know you’re serious.
Play fighting is, far as I can tell, an inherent part of the territory with a boy. The problem with JP is his size. He’s so much bigger than his friends (literally stands a head taller than them) that play fighting or not, he could inflict serious injury.
My inspiration for the jobs came from my neighbor who introduced me to the job jar. When JP consistently misbehaves I tell him that he’s taking my energy away from other things I need to do and, therefore, he must repay me by doing chores: dusting, wiping down the bathroom (with a spray bottle of vinegar and water), picking up toys in individual rooms, separating laundry, etc. So far it’s a pretty good deal!
3.
j0lt | July 30, 2007 at 2:42 pm
Also, what’s a job jar? Sounds promising.
4.
j0lt | July 30, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Definitely like the job consequence – and the explanation of why its part of the price for misbehavior.
5.
delagar | July 31, 2007 at 7:38 am
Discipline is the worst part, I think. Wouldn’t it be excellent if the kids would just respond to reason? (As if any of us do, though.)
6.
j0lt | July 31, 2007 at 8:22 am
Oh, the times I have tried reason and reason failed. But yes, delagar, I don’t always respond well to it myself (although I usually at least listen, unlike my kids).
7.
tonkelu | July 31, 2007 at 9:23 am
JP responds can respond well to reason, it’s just catching him before he starts to lose it- which is all of a nanosecond.
Re: Job Jar- This is also an idea I got from my friend. Fill a jar with slips of paper that have a variety of age appropriate jobs. Ours are dusting living room/ kitchen/ dining room/ doors/ mopboards (each room is on it’s own slip of paper); sorting laundry; wiping down the surfaces in the bathrooms (with a spray bottle of vinegar and water); picking up toys in living room/ dining room. Shake up the jar and make the kids pick- that way if they get a job they hate, it’s not your fault.
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8.
snowqueen | July 31, 2007 at 6:57 pm
I love the idea of the job jar! I will pass that on to a workfriend whose children are at just right age for that. I used the style of parenting that you describe and my two young teenagers are exceptionally polite, kind and pleasant to be around – they’re not saints but they are good people. I tend to use incentives rather than punishments. Recently my younger daughter was ‘on report’ at school for bad behaviour in class – she’s a chatterbox and tends to use it to cover up her dyslexia. When I found out I gave her a serious talking to but I offered to buy her a handbag if she could get herself off report within a week. She did it and managed to finish the school year with a commendation and a determination to continue using the strategies she’d discovered when aiming to keep from talking!
One of the things we did when the children were younger was to co-construct a set of House Rules that then got posted on the wall. We each got to set 2 rules. I think M was 4 years old and her first attempt at a rule was ‘No burning children’! Her second attempt was ‘always give a cuddle when asked’ which has remained a firm rule ever since.
9.
CharleyCarp | August 1, 2007 at 6:57 pm
It’s the hardest job there is. Imo, sensitivity to context and flexibility are more important than consistency. I like to say that all ideologies are bad in parenting, but the one principle I try to live by is that one should consciously favor the long term lesson-learning interest of the child over the short-term interest of onesself.
Unless someone has a crying baby on a plane on which I am a passenger: then the parent should take all measures to get the child to be quiet.
10.
tonkelu | August 2, 2007 at 6:13 am
8. I like the idea of them coming up with a few rules themselves. SG is too little but I think it would give JP a sense of ownership. M’s cuddle rule rocks. It has been silently working at our house for nearly 5-years.
9. I let the kids learn the hard way. I often tell them, “If you get hurt doing X, sympathy is going to be limited.” I always figured they ignored me until yesterday when JP told SG, “If you get hurt little lady, I’m not going to feel bad about it.” Ahh, parental validation! Sometimes, though, a good time-out fits the bill perfectly.