Perfect

This is the e-mail I just sent to the child psychologist. Feel free to weigh in.

Dr. C-

Last week we had JP’s parent-teacher conference and for the most part he’s doing beautifully in first grade. Generally speaking he’s above grade level in all academic aspects, is engaged in class and participates. However there have been some issues with other boys bullying JP (the teacher is addressing this) but I think JP is bringing on some of it himself, so to speak, because he’s crying in class. If JP gets lost on a worksheet, doesn’t understand something, gives the wrong answer, etc. he becomes very frustrated and embarrassed and begins to cry. His teacher, Mrs. N, is at a loss as well. She says she tries not to offer a ton of sympathy when he begins to cry in class and instead will just quietly ask him how crying fixes anything and tries to get him to come up with ways to remedy the situation that are actually productive. She says she’s gotten to the point where she won’t call on JP unless his hand is raised and she’s confident he knows the answer because she doesn’t want him to start crying. At his school Halloween party I witnessed for myself just how upset he can get. The crying embarrasses him as well because he sits there silently, tears streaming down his face and he turns his head away from the rest of the class.

His need for perfection and to be the best is baffling to me because Mr. Tonks and I certainly don’t put a ton of pressure on him- all we ask is that he try. The conference last week brought to light another issue we’ve had at home with JP being completely unwilling to do any extra curricular activities. We’ve offered music lessons, playing a variety of sports, art classes, swim lessons, hip hop classes, etc. and he wants no part of any of it. I had erroneously figured he didn’t want to participate because he’d rather hang out at home but now I think he’s worried about failing and since he doesn’t know how to do some of those activities, he would rather not do it at all than risk not succeeding.

Dr. C, I don’t know how to help him or what to do. It is immensely frustrating and scary for me because the need for personal perfection was one of my very worst personality traits. I’m terrified of JP going to some of the extremes that I did once I hit my late teens and early 20’s. I also don’t want  him to be bullied any more than he’s already endured and I want him to enjoy activities outside of school and home.

We praise him like crazy at home on his successes at school. We praise his artwork and use words like “creative” and “interesting” and “unique” instead of just calling it “really good.” I laud his abilities with the baby to anyone who’ll listen and Mr. Tonks and I freely admit when we’ve made mistakes. In fact I really try to point them out to JP and act as blasé as possible so he knows that we mess up too, that it’s okay and that it’s no big deal. All that aside, I feel like we need to do something more to help him and I don’t have a clue where to start.

tonks